The decision to have another child wasn't as simple as I thought it would be. When I was pregnant with Jaxin, I thought we would try for another one right away. I was totally on board with "Irish twins." That changed when we had Jaxin. He became our whole world, as our kids tend to do.
The thought of having another was so far from my mind - not because of the reasons you might think. It wasn't the lack of sleep, being someone's constant food source, smelly diapers, the lack of freedom I once had. Moms, you might hate me for this, but the newborn stage (and beyond) wasn't all that scary as people made it out to be. Sure, it was hard and sometimes overwhelming, but it wasn't anything we couldn't handle.
What really freaked me (and Matt) out was the idea of loving another human being. The thought of giving our attention and care to anyone besides our son seemed impossible. Truthfully, it still seems pretty impossible, which almost makes me feel guilty knowing our baby girl is growing in my belly. I keep waiting for it to hit me like a wave. You know, that flow of love. I thought I'd feel it at the first ultrasound or when we found out the gender or when I heard her heartbeat for the first time, but it hasn't hit me yet. This makes me feel horrible.
Please, don't get me wrong. I'm excited! But I'm also scared. I think it's a mixture of fears. The fear of my relationship changing with my son. The fear of him feeling like he's coming second. The fear of our family dynamic completely changing. The fear of not being able to juggle two kids. The fear of not being a good enough mother to one, let alone two. All of this takes away from focusing on the beautiful baby growing inside me.
Another contributing factor I'm not so focused on this pregnancy the way I was with my first. Obviously, I'm doing what is necessary to grow a healthy baby. I'm just not paying attention to every little feeling or googling every thing under the sun. It's almost like a "been there, done that" feeling. Plus, I'm distracted with a crazy toddler! It's hard to focus on anything else.
I wanted to write this post in case any other mamas out there are feeling the same way. You're not alone! I think it's normal to have doubts and fears and excitement all jumbled together.
Everyone I've talked to says your heart grows as your family grows. I know when I meet our baby girl for the first time that rush of love will come and my fears will subside...at least a little. Everything will feel as it should.
I am no where near ready to have a second ( mine is special needs soooo he is enough forever probably) but I think your feelings are totally normal. I remember my sister (she's younger) being jealous that there were more baby pictures of me than there were her, and my mom would try and explain that when it's your first baby, the level of excitement and hype is like nothing else. Second babies just don't get that hype, and it isn't because they aren't amazing and special, it is just what you said-- been there done that, busy with crazy toddlers, whatever. One year my mom even made a "fake" Christmas ornament with my sister's picture, pretending "to find it after all these years) and it was soooo obvious. So, maybe don't do that. You're going to be great though. Also check out the "first baby vs second baby" memes if you haven't already 💜💜💜
ReplyDeleteP.S. these posts are why you will always be one of my favorite (if not my favorite) influencers. You appreciate beauty and definitely work hard to create/ maintain a specific aesthetic, but that doesn't mean your life is idyllic in anyway. You keep it real and share your struggles as well as your triumphs 💜
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this and being so honest with your feelings! My husband and I have been talking about having our second, and I relate to this 100%.
ReplyDeleteI completely felt the same way- my son was my whole world- the biggest love I’ve ever had in my life! I think you’re nerves are completely normal! For me it wasn’t until I actually had my baby girl and held her for the first time- heard her little soft cry- and looked into her blue eyes that I knew I could love my two babies just as much as everyone said. It’s only been three weeks and I would never have it any other way! And seeing my son love his baby sister makes it even better! Just trust what everyone says- it’s completely true! She will be your favorite girl to go along with your favorite boy!
ReplyDeleteI feel this same way. My daughter Sophia turned one last month and I'm not sure yet if I'll be able to love another baby as much as I love her. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.
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